No, He Does Not Make Me Proud

Sigh...

I had been hoping against hope that I would be able to write a sassy little post about how Taylor Hicks, latest American Idol, did not manage to debut at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 with the "song" titled "Do I Make You Proud." But he did. Look at him over there, all smug and phony and obnoxious. No, Taylor, you do not make me proud. You make me ashamed. For all of America.

I realize that a season of American Idol stops being interesting approximately twenty seconds after the final episode goes off the air. But I didn't start this blog until after my fellow Americans had voted this doofus as their champion, and I was certainly wrapped up in the drama while it was going down. So please bear with me as I reiterate a few things that I screamed at my television on a weekly basis.

For one thing, in a competition filled with the phoniest of balonies (Kellie "I'm Stoopid!" Pickler, Chris "I'm Deep and Angsty" Daughtry, Randy "Mariah's My Best Gal Pal!" Jackson), Taylor was the phony-baloniest. You could see the man--and I do mean "man," since he's older than me--calculating the exact moment to unleash one of his affected spasms, jerks, or utterances. Remember the week he just sang "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne without adding any of that twitching shock-therapy nonsense? Everyone was really upset. Next week, back to the artful epilepsy.

Andrew--who has a big heart, God love him--didn't immediately loathe Taylor Hicks the way I did. In the early episodes, I would be hurling air-popped popcorn (seasoned with olive oil and sea salt) at the screen while Taylor defiled my eyes, and Andrew would say things like, "Hey, now. Give him a chance. Even freaks deserve that." But eventually Andrew came over to my side. I'd say he even surpassed me, given that by season's end he was doing a pretty great impression of Taylor's "dancing."

Andrew said it always looked like Taylor was trying to go to the bathroom. I give you the image above as evidence.

And do we really want some faux-pooper as our American Idol? I mean, some people obviously did, but I still don't know why.

"But he's got a great voice!" you might argue. Does he? I'd say his singing is just as affected as his movements. You could set an armful of watches by the intervals in which he adds a sultry growl or superfluous whoop to his strained vocals. There's not a thing about him that seems natural. He's a bad copy of natural. He's your parents trying to sound awesome by saying, "Oh no she didn't!" right after you mention that Taylor Hicks debuted at number one.

I also know that you could level similar arguments about the plasticity of Katherine McPhee, but I love her anyway. I love her voice. I love her look. I love her weird mix of giggly fun and polished stage presence. (I also loved this about Paris Bennett.) Let's take that argument to the comments box, shall we?

But I don't love Katherine's upcoming single--"My Destiny"--any more that I love "Do I Make You Proud?" There are plenty of websites that give the proper lashing to the ass-tastic songs foisted upon Idol finalists and, ultimately, the public. I won't carry on with that.

Anyway, for all my disasppointment in the success of Taylor Hicks, I do take solace in the fact that Katherine McPhee might be just as successful.

Even more gratifying? "Do I Make You Proud" has already slipped out of the iTunes top ten. Where's the staying power? Oh, right. With Kelly Clarkson.

Unfortunately, lhe latter point becomes slightly less satisfying when you consider what song replaced "Do I Make You Proud" near the top of the iTunes chart.

"Stars Are Blind." By Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton.

Oh no she didn't!